Terrified of UTMB

Is terrified a dramatic word? Yes! Is it still the correct word to describe how I feel about UTMB? Yes! Let me explain.

Any race of any distance can be scary. Every single time I have gone up in distance or taken on something challenging I have a bit of fear and a ton of nerves. With each endeavor I have taken on the risks have always been there, but the reward seemed to always be greater. In hindsight, there are very few risks I have taken athletically that have ever outweighed the reward of getting it done. I am now 24 weeks out from UTMB and I still can’t decide if the fear I feel is too much. Is this the time I have bitten off more than I can chew? I won’t put these feelings into the category of “self doubt”, but a category of “is this possible.” What I mean is, if someone asked me to take 6 months and learn how to fly I would know that wasn’t possible. Is this because of self doubt and not willing to put the work in to try? No, humans can not fly! I am willing to put in the work to try and complete UTMB, but can Brad FLY is the big question.

These feels come with mixed support which doesn’t make things any easier. Obviously when putting your goals out on the internet for everyone to see there are going to be haters and those that don’t want to see you to succeed. On the flip side, there are going to be those who unconditionally support you and hype you up by telling you that you are going to crush. Both of those extremes I know to take with a grain of salt. It’s when my close, honest friends and family start to question if it is possible things start to get a little crazy for me. I would much rather honest people in my life, and those are the ones I lean on, but at the end of the day is it all on me to decide if I can finish this thing. I find myself losing sleep over the fact that I truly believe I can work my ass off and it still not be enough! That is life. That is a life I feel that many of us have lost sight on. Just because you do the work doesn’t mean it’s enough! My students will say to me all the time “I studied for hours and still didn’t do well”. Simple response is, “Just because you study does not mean you will do well”. How long will I live in the purgatory? Will there be a time in training where I will believe its possible or am I literally going to find out on the race course. Will I sacrifice months of time and energy, not to mention a shit ton of money, just to fail? And what does failure even look like? Is not finishing failure, even if I try my best?

I think in a way I just want to put some things down on paper to look back and reflect on in a few months. I want to track not only my fitness by my head space leading into this event. I want to try and separate the controllables from the uncontrollables and see where the two overlap. I want to use past data to steer me in the right direction. To do so lets first take a look at my ultra running resume for those of you that don’t know me.

In April of 2023 I ran my first 50k ultra marathon. This came on the shoulders of years of alcohol abuse and unhealthy habits. Although I had done Ironman triathlons and ran marathons in my 20’s, I think its safe to say I was starting from scratch leading into this 50k. I trained properly for this event and knew it would be hard, but in no way was I afraid of the event. Worst case I was going on a long walk. I finished that race, walking pretty much the last 8 miles, in a little over 7 hours. Going back to that race in 4 weeks is what I have been documenting on this blog and I hope for a big PR. Finishing that race I knew I could go bigger. I didn’t know how much bigger, but 100k seemed to be the next progression. I signed up for the UTMB Grindstone 100k later that year in September. I was scared of Grindstone for sure. Not terrified. Probably because I was a little naive. I didn’t know how much a race could hurt. I didnt know what 15-18 hours on my feet would feel like. I didn’t truly know how much of a game changer vert could be. To train for this race I did some more research online and found some plans that others had used for 100k’s to guide me. Although physically I was probably ready, I learned in that race that physical strength is only part of the puzzle. Inexperience got the best of me for sure, and I DNFed by not making the cut off at the finish line by a few min. No stones, no finish, but I was still so proud. I completed the distance, I knew I did my best in training and on race day. Leaving that race I was proud and ready for the next challenge. So I signed up for UTMB Canyon’s 100 miler in April 2024, almost 1 year to the day of my first 50k. This would have more vert in 1 day than I ran in all of 2023! I knew I would need some experience in my corner to complete this challenge so I hired a coach to guide me. Canyons scared me and made me nervous, but I still knew that I could get it done. It definitely made is easier having a coach believe in me as well. It’s hard to doubt myself when a professional ultra running had confidence I would succeed. I blasted through the 6 month training block including rim 2 rim 2 rim of the Grand Canyon four weeks out from the race. I got to the start line of Canyon’s and knew I could and would finish this race! I was nervous, but far from terrified. I was never really scared of it. Always nerves. I was ready! After Canyon’s I messed around with other races and challenges. Some went well and some not so well. I got to my second 100 miler in October of 2024 feeling like I was ready to take on something bigger. Javelina was a great 100 miler for me, but not nearly as difficult as Canyons and some other races I was looking at. That lack of nerves was almost detrimental to me. I didn’t work as hard as I did for Canyons. I didn’t hire a coach. I just stayed fit and ran a bunch. I don’t want to say I thought it would be easy, just easier than other races. That lack of nerves and slight fear made me go into Javelina is good shape, but not prepared to do my best. I did well there with a 7 hour 100 mile PR, but missed the goal of sub 24 hours. I missed that goal because I did not put in the work to get there. Unfortunately, I guess I need that external motivation of something big, but also want to stay realistic.

When I put in for the UTMB lotto I met it with mixed emotions. I felt like I had to because I had the stones. I had also put in for States and Leadville and missed both of those. I really wanted Leadville and was bummed out about missing it. At this point there was a part of me that just wanted to miss UTMB and hang it up. I was going through a pretty tough low after Javelina which I have documented and talked about on the 50k Ready podcast and really was starting to feel like an imposter. My performance at Javelina and missing the Leadville lottery only made it worse. I went to sleep the night of the lotto really indifferent about the potential outcome. I figured if I didn’t hit I could keep pulling back the pressure to keep doing less, which would most likely lead to self sabotage and my ultra career coming to an end faster than it started. On the other hand, if the stars aligned and I got into the race I would be given a once in a lifetime opportunity to do something truly incredible that would be life changing for sure. I knew that if I got in I would do everything in my power to get to the finish line. I would not take for granted the opportunity I was given and disrespect the others that wanted to get into the race but were not as fortunate as me to hit the lotto. But even with that work, would it be enough? Well I got in, so I guess we are going to find out!

General nerves and fear vs being terrified.
When I got in it was still so far away. There were other things to do, focus on and keep me distracted from the fact that I had a 100 miler to train for. One of the most difficult 100’s in the world. Here are some things that make this race different in my mind. As I mentioned earlier, some are controllable, some are not!

The Start Time. This race starts at 6pm. To someone that isn’t a morning person this would sound incredible. I am not a morning person, but this is not incredible. With how long this is realistically going to take me if I finish, I will be awake for well over 48 hours by the time it’s all said and done. This brings in a whole new variable I have not had to deal with in any of my previous races. When/how will I sleep if needed? When do I use caffeine? How will 2 full nights affect my pace? How do you even train for this? You can’t really train for sleep deprivation. You learn from experience that I don’t have.

Elevation. Coming from sea level, any time I get to about 8,000 ft in elevation my head spins. It doesn’t matter if it’s hot or cold and how fresh I may be. In the past 2 years I have been over 8k a few times and every time it has kicked me on my ass. Uncontrollable yes, but how the hell am I going to battle this. Building on top of the elevation above sea level there is the elevation change of the race! I’ve mentioned many times on the podcast that 5,000 ft is a big week for me and I have had a 10k ft or more training week only 5 times in the past two years. I will get on the tread and the stair climber. I will be on them often. But how will I handle and train for long steep descents. By the end of Canyons I was praying for uphill. I just couldn’t go down anymore. That was only 20k ft of decent and nothing more than a half mile or so. I am terrified of what the downs will do to my quads. With the elevation, comes change in weather. I have races in very hot conditions. Javelina was over 100 degrees. And I’ve gotten hypothermia before. Grindstone was COLD. But I have never had both extremes in 1 race. It will be cold at night on the peaks and hot during the day in the valleys. I just don’t know how I’m going to prepare for that and how I’m going to carry all the things I need for the race in my pack. I also don’t know which I hate more. I would assume being hot because it’s so hard to cool down, but when you catch a chill it’s so hard to warm up, especially if it’s windy.

Crew and Pacers. This section may make me sound soft, but I have only raced and succeeded because of the support of others and I will miss this comfort at UTMB. My wife Tara has always been my number 1. Knowing I would at least get to see her every few hours kept me moving forward. At Canyons I had my brothers there and Ryan to pace me into the finish. I would not have finished without him at that race. At Javelina I had Christian and Jake. Without them I wouldn’t have finished that race. Ultra has continued to be a team sport for me. Although Tara will be there, I will see her very seldomly and there are no pacers in this race. To get to the finish line I will only be able to say “I got myself there. No one else dragged me there”. I just don’t know if I’m mentally strong enough to take on the challenge. That terrifies me.

The cut off. I have never NOT raced a cutoff. I guess that makes a back of the pack kind of guy. I have never sat in an aid station thinking “I have time”. It’s always go! go! go! I am hoping with some more volume and speed training I can avoid this, but realistically it’s in the back of my mind. I would love to start setting time goals, but that has always come back to haunt me in the race when I don’t meet that expectation. So let’s just say I’m racing right along the time cut. That puts me out on the race course for over 45 hours! 45 Hours, 109 Miles, 38,000 ft of assent. Yeah, I’m terrified.

I will continue to take things one day at a time. That’s all we can really do. And in a few months we can rewrite this article, hopefully with a much different outlook on things will be. But if my kids ever read this and I’m not around to explain it, just know that dad, even though hes 43 year old, gets scared too.